Only a mothe r could love this liver
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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