If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
