Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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