I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
