I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you had me at cake vodka
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
