how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
