Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
