No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
