"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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