We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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