I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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