Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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