just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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