I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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