someone get that fucking seahorse.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
