She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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