you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Blood and glitter go together right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize