we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
