I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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