Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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