hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
