This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
