two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
