so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
