$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
