Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
