Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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