Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
