So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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