I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
