Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize