just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
