THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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