i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
