Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
