My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
