some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
foreskin is a definite game changer
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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