I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My balls are so social today.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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