Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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