He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
