i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
