I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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