There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
