She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
