he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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