Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
