apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
