happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
