just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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