I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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