first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
