meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
