It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
