I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
