Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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