She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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