all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
