I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
