A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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